My Coffee Cup Keeps Running Away with my brain

 

My coffee cup keeps running away,

I can't seem to get it to stay.

 I was drinking it only minutes ago.

Where oh where is my coffee cup, I just do not know.

I actually got really angry because I could not find it, I even looked right at it, because I stand there daily to do my balance exercises in the sparkles of the nook, while drinking my first cup of coffee. I rushed/stormed around the house crying because I lost my cup. I did, really I did.

It seems that I did the last 9 months of 24/7 care-giving without having a breakdown and suddenly two weeks ago, life settled down, Bob showed much improvement and in most things improved to about 80 percent of his old self. Life is a lot better, so what is up with me now?

Why then do I lose everything I pick up, and can't see it when it is there?

I have reached the end of my rope, I am angry, even at inanimate objects. I drop a lid on the floor and curse and want to stomp it to smithereens, and sometimes get so frustrated I have beat on the walls with my fists.

I have become a poked bear, a snarly snapping shrew.

I am in a brain fog, I cry while doing the normal routine, I lose words when talking and can't remember what I am talking about. I stutter talk, stopping and starting.

I burst into tears, over little things that don't matter, things that just are, and have been for 9 months. An Example is, I am on the throne, the dog is staring at me saying POTTY NOW, Bob is on the bedside throne waiting for me, and I am crying and saying why, why why do we all have to GO at the same time.This is not meant to be a joke. This is serious. I need to see a doctor.

I pray and think I can pray it away and NOTHING WORKS, I am getting worse.

I screamed at Bob, can't you see I am losing my MIND? when he asked why I was crying.

I recived  an email from a blog friend and she tells me she thinks I might need the drug she just started taking, that her life has changed completely since she went to the doctor. Thank you dear friend.

Yesterday I called and went in to see the PA for my doctor, I told her all this and much more and she said.Do you think you have dementia? UM YES, 

Didn't you have the test for that? yes What did they say? They said I do  not have dementia.

She said, Sandra you are sharp, what you are feeling is common for caregivers. I ask why am I falling apart now, when everything is better? She replied, Because your body has been in survivor mode, everything is working and allowing you to function and do what ever is needed. Now your don't need your body's help, and you are in the same thing as when Adrenalin lets you do impossible things but when you have done it, your body gets weak, your mind gets weak and you need help getting back up.

I am picking up RX today. I am not crazy, and I might stop blogging for a few days to allow the meds to get my memory back.

MY brain needs to rest. Stop working for a while. Enjoy the serotonin the pills will  give me. I even forgot to give Beau his meds which I have never done before. He can't walk without them, I cried and cried over that. I am sharing this because one of you might be in a similar situation and need to know you are not alone and that doctors can and will help.

We don't have to suffer and fake it til we make it so others don't know we are suffering. 

I Love you all, and I might be here or might not, but I am OK and Will be better so I can make you all laugh and feel happy which makes me happy

I have Sunday and Monday on auto post, maybe I will be better by then.

Stop It!! Final Friday Feature

 

STOP IT

While on FaceTime with my brother and his wife, he showed me his birthday gift from his 17 year old granddaughter. A toy that says Stop It.

He sent me to YouTube to find Bob Newhart's, STOP IT! I am smiling as I just type the words. I suggest you watch this video. I have watched it 3 times.

I wrote the words STOP IT  in red and placed it on my fridge, since it is the most opened door in the house, ha ha and all my meals are eaten at the breakfast bar and it's IN MY FACE.

STOP IT! has become my anthem/chant, my shout is heard silently in my head, spoken entirely to myself.. It works. 

There are things a caregiver should not do, when dealing with dementia. 

Don't reason.

Don't argue.

Don't confront.

Don't remind them they forget.

Don't question recent memory.

Don't take it personally.

All of these is the norm for the two of us. We have each done these things on a daily basis, we are two peas in a pod.

To break the habit, when I start to do one of these, I shout in my head. 

STOP IT!

I still forget once in a while, but there is much more peace in the house since Stop It moved to the fridge. 

When Bob asked me what it was there, what it meant, I watched the video with him, and said its there to remind me to not fight with you, to not argue, to not yell, to not get angry.  He said, Good idea.

This works for any problem you might have. I am keeping this brief because I want you to Stop and watch Stop It! Don't leave without watching it.

PS I keep saying to my MIND Racing, STOP IT! nope, did not work

Bob Newhart - STOP IT! The best two word coaching you'll ever get ...

watch on YouTube or below, its six minutes that has changed my life. truly

Joining Yam for Final Friday Feature with Yam

Five Trays a Day

 

I don't use ice, and one of my new caregiver chores that I never had to do in the past is making 5 trays a day of ice. Bob uses 5 trays; he does share several cubes a day with 

Beau, who loves to crunch ice.

Several things cause a problem, 

A. He has made his own ice for 40 years. 

B. I have no experience and now I drop everything I pick up. 

C. I struggle to crack the cubes loose

D. When I turn it upside down, into the Ice Bin, they fall all over the floor.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST IS I CAN'T REMEMBER TO DO IT UNTIL HE NEEDS ICE!

 I found an answer to keep them off the floor and counter, that blue bowl is just the right size to dump them in and pour into the ice bin.. Anyone have an idea to help me remember to dump the trays, and refill? or how to get the trays to let go those cubes? 

Memory Test Understanding the results part 3

 

You may remember these tests in a prior post. The memory tests I completed to find out if I had dementia.   I DO NOT HAVE DEMENTIA,YAY! I am  sharing the results from MY Memory. Hard to do. This might be confusing, if so, move on. I am posting this for me to read in the future when I have a (ha ha) memory lapse. 

The results gave me a whole new opinion of myself.

 The Doctor talked for 45 minutes, yes, I did get a few words in, ha ha.

As I stood to leave, I thanked him and said you have shown me myself in a new way and I wish you had been in my life in Dec of 1959 when I moved to middle of 9th grade in Savannah. My life was a total mess and the years until I graduated high school were the worst of my life. If I had known what your test have shown me, I would have understood I was not Stupid. He said you are most definitely not stupid.

He started with this graph.

The test I took, are given by Employers to their employees or people that apply for jobs. It test for skills, and shows which ones are better than others. Also used to test for dementia.

the first test above I aced and got what 72 percent of people get. It shows organization skills.

Read red/green list as quickly as you can I got both of those 100 percent, but it showed I can read it but the more I read the slower I get. He said this means a perfectionist, and that getting it right is more important than meeting the time limit. 

My highest scores were all Written Tests

My lowest were Oral tests.

The written tests I got all correct, but it came down because I did not finish all of it in the time given.

My lowest score was the oral test. She read me a short story and said repeat the story I just read.

I stuttered, and could only make one sentence, I got the gist of the story but not the words.

she read it twice more and I still could not tell the entire story.

This means, I don't learn by listening and don't do well in lectures or oral classroom skills

This is the reason I can't listen to audio books, I can't follow the story line, unless I see it to follow it. Also, it is why I have trouble listening to podcasts or watching documentary.

In History class, teacher would read a page from the history book and give us a timed test to write down what we heard. I failed them all. and thought I was stupid.

Along the same lines as this one, she read me 12 words out loud and said repeat the words. I got 3.

she then said I will read these same words, but I will say two words, one is on the list and one is not. Tell me which ones were on the list. I got all 12 of them right, when she gave me a choice. 

In school, I aced multiple choice and when answering a question I missed most of them.

She gave me a drawn picture and said copy this. I did so. after a few other tests, she said draw the picture of the box you drew before but do it from memory. I drew it perfect. I retain what I write or read but not what I hear orally. WOW I wish I had known these things. We are all different.

not wrong, Different.

On all of the test averaged together I did what 50 percent of people do IF they don't have dementia.

It shows which skills I would excel in and would be slow in but proves I can do all the skills, but some not quickly as others.

I always felt bad because my brother was straight A honor roll in high school and college. 

I was Average, B, C, and in math D and the reason was, the classes that were lectures I got a bad grade, the others I got good grade ad the bad with good made me Average. He also said I am type A personality and I AM. 

I can follow a tutorial, but not listen to the video and learn. If I do it while I watch it, I get it.

I have to write it or read it to learn it, and retain it.

I am an excellent teacher, but and not listen to a teacher well. I knew that, but not why. 

This was the results of the test where she turned on the computer and said put your finger on the space bar, and tap the bar each time you see the letter X and do not tap any other letter.

I said to the doctor, I hated that test more than any of the others and thought it would never end. He told me the test is 3 minutes long on purpose, to see how long before you are bored. the first minute you got them all right, the second you started to miss, or tap wrong. by the 3rd minute you slowed to a crawl because you were bored and aggravated but you got more right. I laughed because I was thinking WILL THIS EVER END. 

He said we could see that in your score, which means you can't listen to a lecture and learn.

Each job takes a skill, if we were all the same who would do the jobs that require another skill.

I would be awful at a factory production line.

Signing off as So happy I am retired.

IF YOU ARE A PERSON WHO PREFERS TO LISTEN, AND DOENS'T LIKE TO READ, 

I AM SO SORRY AND YOU ARE FORGIVEN FOR NOT READING THIS.

If you have no clue what I have said here, that is also OK.. 

Part two of Memory Test

 

Part 2 of my Memory Test. The office was Odd, it was like a small puzzle, that none of the walls or doors were where they should be. the room I am in, was 2 sofas facing each other and a chair. Each of them had a Flood Light, that aimed at each place to sit. That is why you can see my wrinkles. It was very uncomfortable sitting there. In fact the entire office was not comforting. The front door I stepped in was blocked by a huge door that was open accross in front of me, I had to push it closed to get in. It was a huge wheel chair rest room. There was a short Shute like hall and no sign of any humans, no welcomes, nothing. I spied the Small opening in the wall, with a glass that opened, The woman was sitting so far down I had to lean in the window to see/hear her.

then I got the flood light treatment. The offices I went to were not cheerful or comforting.

Enough!

below are the test I took, I recreated them on the iPad.

This is a testand she asked me to look at the bottom and and write the 2 numbers from above that would be the one like the one at the bottom.

It was better than this and had a entire page of shapes to put numbers. The first one would be 5 and 6, the 2nd would be 11 and 12.

then she gave me an entire sheet that went had 6 rows of what you see below and said read the colors to me as fast as you can. this is a timed test. she circled the one I stopped on when the timer went off.

THEN she gave me this one.

And said read the color you see on each word as fast as you can. NOTICE the first one says green but is red. Read the color of the letters not the words. 

Oy Vey

this last one was an entire sheet full of boxes with symbols in them.

the top two lines show 4 symbols and the number that goes with them. Note: there were an entire sheet full. i just got tired of drawing boxes.

After the first two rows were rows and rows of boxes, each with a symbol. Times again.

Write the # that matches the symbol in the blank box and you can not skip, follow the boxes and fill them as fast as you can.

NOTE up date: some of you are saying the boxes are empty. I will try to clarify.

you have to put the number that corresponds to the shape, look up and see what number is under the sample above the line, each symbol you see at the bottom that has a blank box under it, put the number from above that corresponds with the symbol above it

we shall get results in on Aug 26 at my follow up visit

Locked, Loaded and Ready to Fire Um Test

My head is all in a whorl. Monday I went to a Psychologist for a memory test.   I fretted for two nights over the silly test and missed several hour of sleep but by 8:30 my PURSE was locked and loaded and ready for anything I might need. I do not carry a purse, I carry my cards and drivers license in a wrist wallet, with keys hanging on  my finger and phone in my pocket.  

This is what I put in the biggest purse  have.

Water 

 

below is what I crammed in the purse. THE HEAVY PURSE, I hate to carry a purse.

yes, I had two phones, the iPhone is camera only but it has my kindle app to read from if i had to sit and wait. the cell phone was in case they locked me up, I could call bob to tell him where I was. I covered all bases and used ONLY the debit card for 50 $ copay, License to prove I am me, Health Card for insurance. NOT ONE THING DID I NEED.

The test was scheduled for 3 hours, I took it in 180 minutes. that is 2 and 1/2 hours. For 60 minutes the doctor fired questions at me, all kinds of history and warned he would every now and then throw in off the wall questions. 

Where were your born, did you grow up there, what school did you go to?

Pointing to his desk he said what is that? stapler, he pointed to 6 items and I NAMED THEM ALL.. woo hoo starts up with more questions. 

He said what is today date, I proudly said Aug 12, 2024. there more questions and he suddenly said, what day is this? I said Wed??? it was MONDAY. OMG

He suddenly said, I am going to take you to my tech for a few tests, if you need the restroom, you can now and I will take you to her office. come back here. Do you know where it is? I proudly answer yes. I had used it when i came in the door. When I presented myself to his office, he said good, you passed that test , you came back. (now i wonder if some patients don't come back)

The tech fired question 120 minutes, she flipped charts and asked what is that? I may or may not tell  you about the test. Suffice it to say, when she asked who is Martin Luther King, I drew a blank and could not think of who he was, I mean I KNOW who he is but did not know what to say. she gave up and said who is Mahatma Ghandi, I drew another blank. Missed those two.

on the way home I slapped my head and said Same answer, idiot, you should have said Civil Rights leaders. OMG

She said what continent is Sahara desert in? What continent is Brazil in?

REALLY what if i never knew that. I did but REALLY?

TO BRING THIS TO AN END, I WILL NOT KNOW THE RESULTS UNTIL 2 WEEKS FROM NOW, HE HAS TO PONDER WHAT I SAID AND DID. 

pS I LOOKED AT A PICTURE OF A PROTRACTOR AND COMPASS AND DREW A BLANK.

I thought of saying, i know what they are but can 't remember the name and I bet no one under the age of 50 knows what they are.